OK, I hate to brag, but when it comes to fetishes, I usually am like the Quizmaster (Or Mistress!) at trivia nights. I’ll always come by some list online that talks about fetishes and they go on to list plushies, looners and smoking, and I’m like, “really, that’s all you got, bro?” Well, I’ve found 12 more that I didn’t know existed. I mean, I knew people probably got off on this stuff, but didn’t know if had gone so far as to be termed. Let’s start this one off right with…
ALVINOPHILIA
This one tricked me. I saw “vino” and was like, wine, it’s wine, I have that, it’s a real thing. However, it’s actually an affinity for the belly button. I mean, you give it a little tickle and pour a little champers in it and that’s about it, right? Well, not exactly. Navel fetishism can get into belly button torture and that means giving your outie a little poke with pins or even inserting something up in there. A) Is it more of a turn-on if an object goes in really far? B) Are you not afraid that playing too much with it will make it pop out? I mean has any research on the belly button really been done? I think you might be playing with fire rather than lint right there.
KLISMAPHILIA
If your fetish is more toward the ass variety, you might appreciate a little klismaphilia. That is the act of getting aroused when liquids are inserted and expelled from your anus. I imagine anyone with this predilection goes for those regular enemas. And apparently, like bondage where some prefer to Top or bottom, fetishists of this variety can either tend toward liking the giving or the receiving aspect of it. Um, I’m going to go ahead and ask… Does this person get off on diarrhea? Like do they eat 14 gray hot dogs and then hope for the best? (That induces the big D, by the way, take it from someone who knows.)
OCTOLINCTUS
So, I started you off tame. I hope you appreciate that, because shit is about to get real. How about worming? (That’s another name for this one.) There’s a guy here who can’t even watch me put in eye drops, so he probably won’t like the idea of seeing anyone lick anyone else’s eyeball. I wonder how you know you like that? Do you get all turned on when you touch your eyeball and then you wonder what other appendage would feel good on it? Is it a drunken kiss gone wrong and then oh-so-right? Moving on…
EMETOPHILIA
If you’re one to frequently get blackout drunk and then have to pray to the porcelain Gods a lot of the time, you might want to find yourself a good buddy or partner who has this fetish. They get aroused by vomiting themselves or watching others do it. You don’t really look like a hot mess if they get off on it, right? It may backfire on you, though, if you happen to want to sleep after a 4-hour barf session and they keep trying to remove your pants.
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DENDROPHILIA
OK, you might need a wee break after those, so how about dendrophilia? Yeah, this means you like to fuck trees. I wonder if kind of tree matters. And do these people prefer winter weather when all the trees are “naked?” Can you control yourself when the trees are wet and swaying in a rainstorm? Is that considered like a sexy pole dance/foreplay thing? So many questions!
FORNOPHILIA
I do admit I am intrigued by fornophilia, which is a kind of BDSM play where a person or people are used as furniture. Hey, who doesn’t want a sexy and tall drink of water as their footstool or towel rack? “I’ll just hang this towel here to dry, thanks Paul!”
OK, break over. Let’s get to the really odd. I normally like to be gentle, but this calls for quick and dirty.
EDERACINISM
Getting aroused at the thought of tearing out your sexual organs. (Um, no. I THINK I’d like to use those again.)
FORMICOPHILIA
You like when tiny insects crawl all over you and even munch on your flesh. That’s sounds more like heart attack than orgasm territory to me.
CLIMACOPHILIA
Seeing someone fall down the stairs gets you going. I swear, I’m not making this stuff up. (And why am I not having more sex being as clumsy as I am?!)
EPROCTOPHILIA
Did you see “procto” and guess this was another ass-related one? Good, you’re learning. This is arousal by farting (mostly straight males attracted to females). There’s also a sub-niche here called cake farting. No, cake isn’t a euphemism for something. It’s actually a bloody cake with icing. Remind to think of this one when I’m blowing out my candles on my next birthday. Happy biiiiiirthday to… PFFFFFFT.
PSELLISMOPHIILA
While some who suffer from stuttering may indeed be self-conscious about it, all they have to do it find a person with this fetish. They get aroused by it!
NASOPHILIA
That is one cute nose you got there. Let me suck on it! Yup, affinity for nose sucking. Hey, the nose knows.
OK, my job here is done. Go forth, people, and bask warmly in your fetishistic tendencies… except you ederacinists… trust me, you’ll regret that shit real fast.
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