We are settling disputes that have been ongoing for millennia. Using focused precision, we get to the heart of the matter and determine, once and for all, the victor in epic battles. Welcome to RIVALS
I am Archie comic obsessed. I’ve read them my whole life. I guess it’s a weird comfort thing for me, but I swear nothing gets me more excited than cracking that spine of a new comic and getting lost in the world of the Riverdale gang. Now, anyone who has opened one of these books is bound to have noticed the two female lead characters Betty Cooper and Veronica “Ronnie” Lodge. (I’m sure Ronnie would tear me a new one having put Betty’s name first.) They’re young, they’re hot and they’re very different girls. They’re more concerned with boys, gossip and shopping (on a budget for Betty, of course), but who’s really the best? We’re fully pitting them against one another here in the Battle Royale to end them all. The gauntlet has been thrown, the gloves are off, the smell of blood is in the air. Will Betty be able to finally stick it in stuck-up Veronica’s face that brains and baking beat beauty and banknotes or will Veronica once again be able to crush Betty’s spirit with a mere flick of a manicured fingernail? We’re about to find out.
ROUND 1: WHICH WOULD HAVE A THREESOME?
This is a bit of a gimme. Veronica likes attention, so I’m inclined to think Ronnie since the idea of two boys all focused on her would delight her. However, we can’t count Betty out. If it were two Archies, I’d say Betty hands-down, but I think Betty has enough trouble getting one dude to notice her pretty blonde self, so Veronica takes the cake here.
ROUND 1 Winner: VERONICA
ROUND 2: MOST LIKELY TO SEDUCE MR. WEATHERBEE FOR A HIGHER GRADE?
Betty is a studious, industrious honor student and grade grind, while Veronica likes to live it up with dates, late-night calls and impromptu trips overseas with her rich millionaire daddy, so I think we all know who would take top prize here. Ronnie would do it because she was too busy jerking Reggie off in the boiler room to pass her History final. (And he couldn’t even keep it up…).
ROUND 2 Winner: VERONICA. (Well, I guess the “Bee” is the true winner here…)
ROUND 3: WHICH WOULD THE BEE RATHER BONE?
Veronica is a sophisticated girl who knows how to seduce and gives a killer blowjob, but Betty is a little submissive and likes it when Weatherbee grabs her tits and takes her up against his desk. While he has a few fantasies of Ronnie taking a ruler to his chunky ass, he would really like to hear Betty call him, “daddy.”
ROUND 3 Winner: BETTY
ROUND 4: TAKE IT IN THE BUTT?
Veronica is adventurous in the sack and thinks she’s got Riverdale’s hottest booty. I’d say heck ya, but she’s saving her anal cherry for college and all the rich boys who will buy her a Miata with their trust fund money if she says yes. Betty would only do it with Archie. And he’s a good boy, so he’d never stick it his good ol’ blonde buddy’s backdoor. Well, maybe if she plied him with her homemade chocolate chip cookies first.
ROUND 4 Winner: VERONICA
ROUND 5: TAKE A CREAMY CUM FACIAL?
Betty. No question. She likes to be sprayed down with jizz in the face. Veronica doesn’t like getting her bangs sticky. She’s strictly a titty cumshot gal. Even then she makes Archie brings his own towel to clean her off. She doesn’t want her maid Fifi to get her hands on any semen-soaked designer towels that she could use for a tell-all book of a Riverdale heiress.
ROUND 5 Winner: BETTY
ROUND 6: HAVE A LESBIAN HOOKUP?
Again, Betty takes this one. Archie was talking about diamond rings for Ronnie when he last stopped over to her dorm room to watch TV (and she even wore her new dress from Dooley’s that WAS NOT on sale!) She went out to the campus bar, had one too many glasses of white wine sangria and hooked up with her roommate’s tattooed female cousin, Rita, from San Francisco. Veronica doesn’t like other girls period.
ROUND 6 Winner: BETTY
ROUND 7: FUCK ARCHIE IN HIS MODEL T FORD?
You might think it was Betty here, as Veronica hates Archie’s car, but she can’t risk Archie coming over again and breaking any more of her Daddy’s valuables, so she would agree to let him hump her in his backseat. He’ll hit it so hard his side mirror falls off and she’ll stain his upholstery when she squirts, but hey, that’s the price you pay to fuck a rich girl in your shitty rust bucket of a car.
ROUND 7 Winner: VERONICA
CHAMPION: VERONICA
Betty can certainly hold her own and I was really gunning for her, but Veronica clearly comes out on top here (her favorite position). Once again, our beautiful blonde must succumb to being second place. Just look at smug Veronica. Betty most likely probably would have ceded the title to her bestie anyway, since she’s the gracious type (and Veronica would promise her a full weekend of dating Archie and even throw in the use of her mink stole). Think we picked the right winner or screwed the pooch here? Drop a comment and let me know.
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